For the past 13 days, I've been facilitating my 14-Day Self-Love Challenge (click to join). Sadly, many struggle to feel worthy and lovable. I understand this because I used to feel similarly. For me, it's been a long, slow process with many twists and turns, but one that's been worth every moment of discomfort. Facilitating this challenge has gotten me to think a lot about self-love and how it eludes so many.
The important thing to understand is that self-love is not an event. Self-love is a series of mini-events or activities that slowly begin to increase our self-love "tank". Maintaining a self-love practice is a continuous process that never ends. As we know, sometimes old habits resurface. For long-term success, we must be consistent, committed and deliberate.
I love this image from @EatPrayFML because it illustrates some of the things that can be used to make a yummy self-love "cocktail". While some or none of the activities may appeal to you, I'm sure you have a host of other activities that you'd use to make your own self-love cocktail.
While my clients often come to me to help them dismantle the challenges their disordered eating and body dissatisfaction is causing them, when we get beneath it all, we begin to see that their eating difficulties often stem from a lack of self-love (which includes self-care), low self-worth, and the inability to establish boundaries with themselves and others among other things.
When we give ourselves permission to make ourselves a priority in our own lives, amazing things can happen! When we don't, we often suffer and don't live our lives to the fullest. Can you relate? I know I can relate to this, even with decades of personal development work, thousands spent on professional training, and life experiences I've had.
However, when we build up our self-love tank we put ourselves first, living more fulfilling and joyful lives that are aligned with our personal values. That's when we really begin to develop into the fully evolved people we were meant to be!
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, so it seems like a perfect perfect time to think about what would go into your self-love cocktail.
If you had to guess, which "ingredients" would be contained in your self-love cocktail?
What are the things that make you feel nourished (or you think could), rejuvenate you and allow you to feel like your needs matter?
Once you've decided, ask yourself what is preventing you from getting these ingredients.
Is it time?
Is it resources?
Is it self-sabotage?
Do you not feel worthy and deserving?
Are you putting other people's needs before your own?
Do you not know because you're so disconnected from your body or from knowing what it needs?
Whatever the reason is, it's okay. I assure you that you're not the only one who has difficulty figuring this kind of thing out. In fact, that's one of the reasons why people hire me!
Wherever you are in your journey, please know that it's where you need to be right now. That doesn't mean that you need to stay there or that it's not possible for you to move from there. It simply means that you accept it. Remember, acceptance doesn't mean giving up. It simply means you're at peace with what is.
Valentine's Day is when we celebrate LOVE. Love for others and love for ourselves. That is the piece that many forget. I hope this love note helps you to remember this.
If no one has told you lately...
You are worthy and deserving of love from others and from yourself.
Happy Valentine's Day to the beautiful and amazing you!
Join the discussion in the No-Diet Sisterhood on Facebook.
Want more? Read about the Self-Love Diet
Does a Lack of Self-Love and "Ob*sity" Cause Disease? - A Love Letter to Jillian Michaels
As usual, it's January and the dieting industry is in full swing promoting their diets, "lifestyles", detoxes and whatever else they call their intentional weight loss crap. Remember, research indicates that intentional weight loss, regardless of what your weight, is not sustainable long-term.
Today, I want to talk about the concept that self-love can help us control our weight and possibly prevent illness.
I'll admit that years ago I used to believe that BS too because that's all I ever heard so, naturally, I believed it. I no longer feel shameful about this though because as I continue to grow as an anti-diet professional, I now understand and acknowledge that weight is a very complex science. I've also learned that all the "self-love" in the world isn't going to make someone who isn't supposed to weigh ______ (insert low weight here) remain at that weight long-term (3-5 years or more) unless they are likely going to extreme measures (like disordered eating or other disordered behaviors and/or engaging in compulsive exercise, etc.) to maintain it. (You can read more about that in my blog Have You Ever Tried a Self-Love Diet?.)
What got me so fired up about this topic again was reading the recent article Jillian Michaels is Being Criticized For Body-Shaming Lizzo where Jillian Michaels talked about self-love as it relates to our health. She says,
“As I’ve stated repeatedly, we are all beautiful, worthy, and equally deserving. I also feel strongly that we love ourselves enough to acknowledge there are serious health consequences that come with ob*sity - heart disease, diabetes, cancer to name only a few," Michaels wrote. 'I would never wish these for ANYONE and I would hope we prioritize our health because we LOVE ourselves and our bodies.'"
Her words could easily throw someone into a downward spiral of shame and blame and that's never productive, especially for healing. What people struggling with illness need is affordable and accessible medical care (including educational services and resources), compassion, and support, NOT shame or blame.
Also, to imply that a lack of self-love is what drives illness due to a lack of acknowledgment that it could cause illness is also shaming. I believe what she's saying is that if someone loved themselves enough to acknowledge that fat is what's causing these illnesses, they would lose weight.
I know first-hand how damaging words like these can have on a person in a larger body because many of my clients blame their ailments (from sleep apnea, weak knees, GERD, autoimmune diseases, etc.) on their weight when in fact, all of these ailments can also be found in people at lower weights. Words like this can also be counter-productive because they often scare people back into the never-ending diet-binge cycle which often cause more weight gain.
It also makes the assumption that weight can be controlled and that even if someone is at a higher weight, there is something inherently wrong with that when there isn’t. And, even if weight was the cause for illness, dieting to become thinner has its own potential physical and emotional health risks. Her words are not based on the truth which indicates that weight science is complex.
Many factors including the role of genetics, socioeconomic conditions, previous dieting history, environmental factors, medications, and fat stigma, etc. are all part of these complexities. Sadly, there was no mention of any of these important factors which isn’t surprising, but nonetheless disappointing and fatphobic.
To illustrate this point, remember that her partner from the Biggest Loser show Bob Harper, nearly died from a heart attack in 2017 even though he was extremely fit, appeared to be “healthy”, and maintained a lean body. After his heart attack, he told CNN this,
"Genetics does play a part in this. I'm a guy who lives a very healthy lifestyle, works out all the time, but there were things going on inside my body that I needed to be more aware of."
It's also concerning because she's assuming that "ob*sity" (* used because the “O” word is a BMI term and BMI was not intended to measure a person's health) causes these illnesses. Based on the causation vs. correlation theory, illness cannot be directly caused by a person's weight. Lindo Bacon, Ph.D. says it best in the article Fat Is Not the Problem—Fat Stigma Is,
"It is true that many diseases are more commonly found in heavier people. However, that doesn’t mean that weight itself causes disease. Blaming fatness for heart disease is similar to blaming yellow teeth for lung cancer, rather than considering that smoking might play a role in both."
The point she and many other diet-promoting, fear-mongering gurus are missing is that people of all weights, shapes, and sizes may fall victim to illness despite what diet culture propagates to us 24/7. None of us need to hear anymore short-sighted, weight stigmatizing "experts" shaming and blaming and offering their one-size-fits-all weight loss and/or “lifestyle” plans. After all, isn’t that what’s been preached for decades with dismal outcomes?
What we do need is a paradigm shift from weight-focused approaches to more sustainable self-care practices that will help people improve their physical, emotional and psychological health without weight cycling, shame, blame, and assumptions.
If you're blaming yourself for a health condition or feeling conflicted because you love the idea of intuitive eating but believe you need to lose weight for "health reasons" (or based on a practitioners medical advice or other fat-shaming), please reach out to me for a complimentary connection call. I can help you by providing support, mindset tips, resources, and helping you to develop individualized and sustainable self-care practices that will likely improve your overall health so you can feel better and live your life joyfully instead of living in fear.
Some journaling prompts to explore:
Do you worry that you may contract an illness because of your weight?
Do you blame yourself for any chronic illness you may already have?
If you do blame yourself, how could that be affecting your physical, psychological and emotional health?
Where can you soften the edges with self-compassionate so you can focus more on self-care habits instead of self-blame?
If you're tired of battling with your weight, fed up with the cycle of yo-yo dieting, and yearning to be free from your obsessive thinking about food and your body, schedule your complimentary Embrace Anti-Diet Living Connection Session.
We’ll get clear on where you are now, what you want instead, and what might be getting in the way of your success.
I’ll also share some powerful recommendations and resources to get you started on creating a peaceful relationship with your body and food.
Why New Year's Resolutions Could Be Doing More Harm Than Good and What to Do Instead
Photo credit: Live Happy Magazine
Starting a new year is always filled with so much hope and promise. I love the idea of a fresh start, but the notion that we need to “repent” for enjoying many of the holiday “extras” hasn’t been appealing to me for many years now.
I think it’s important to remember that even though this is the most popular time of year to re-evaluate our lives, we can give ourselves permission to begin anew any time of the year. Whenever we recognize something in our lives that doesn’t make us feel our best or that no longer serves us, we can decide to do something to change that.
But, once we acknowledge the changes we wish to make, what do we do next? This is when most people start to create resolutions, but I’m going to suggest that intentions be created instead.
How do intentions differ from resolutions?
Dr. Wayne Dyer defines an intention as “a strong purpose or aim, accompanied by a determination to produce a desired result.”
An intention is something you aim to achieve. Intentions have a purpose and are something that you actively work to manifest in your life over time leaving room for “hiccups” and self-reflection along the way.
What I like most about intentions, is that when we establish them, we’re not coming from a place of lack. We know that we’re already “enough” as we are and that’s always a healthy place to begin. This allows us to move forward without having an attachment to the outcome or self-judgment. Intentions are more about the journey and what we learn in the process. Instead of looking to “fix”, we’re intending to fine tune.
A resolution is relatively simple: it either is or is not, it sticks, or it doesn’t.
Resolutions don’t come with much wiggle room. Because of their nature, they often leave us feeling guilty, make us feel lazy (or unfocused, undisciplined, etc.) and lead to a cycle of negative thinking. All this negativity eventually dissolves the resolution and makes us feel worse in the long run. And, unlike intentions, resolutions are generally made from a place of lack and make us feel that we aren’t “good” enough the way we are. They imply that in order to be enough, we must change. This kind of thinking erodes our self-esteem and keeps us from achieving sustainable changes.
I know you may be thinking that setting intentions are too gentle, lenient, and won’t bring about change. I understand why you might believe that. After all, we live in a “no pain, no gain” kind of society! However, I urge you to think about how being hard on yourself and making unrealistic resolutions in the past has served you.
The truth is that in order to usher in healthy, sustainable changes in our lives, we need to begin looking at our patterns and behaviors with self-compassion, kindness, and curiosity.
Doing this allows us to loosen our grip and create space, so we can see opportunities to do things differently. It also helps us to recognize what may be fueling these behaviors in the first place. Once we loosen that grip and do so without judgment (or at least with minimal judgment), opportunities for change begin to present themselves. This is how we can make changes that make us feel good without all the negativity and spiraling lack of self-worth. This is why setting intentions instead of resolutions is a good idea.
Patience, flexibility, and self-compassion need to be your co-pilots during the change process because that is what will help to minimize stress and anxiety which enables our brains to function optimally. When we are operating from this relaxed and open space, we are bound to have more positive outcomes.
Now that you know the difference between resolutions and intentions, which intentions will you create this year?
Remember that change generally happens in phases and not all at once. So, look for small, subtle shifts instead of big, broad strokes.
Cheers to a satisfying and intention filled year!
If you're tired of battling with your weight, fed up with the cycle of yo-yo dieting, and yearning to be free from your obsessive thinking about food and your body, schedule your complimentary Embrace Anti-Diet Living Connection Session.
We’ll get clear on where you are now, what you want instead, and what might be getting in the way of your success.
I’ll also share some powerful recommendations and resources to get you started on creating a peaceful relationship with your body and food.
Navigating Life's Uncertainties During Middle-Age
I don't talk about this a lot, but I'm smack in the middle of middle-age. And, in full transparency, I don't always like it. Sometimes it makes me feel really insecure and frightened. Other times I celebrate it because someone with less life experience will come to me asking for advice (or just to confide in or hold space for them in a non-judgmental way) when they're struggling and I can usually help them.
One of the most challenging parts of middle-age is that we become more aware that life is uncertain. The truth is, life has always been uncertain but many of us don't wake up to this fact until later in life.
In my effort to feel more comfortable with uncertainty, sometimes I ponder about the things in my life that are certain. You know, the things I can count on no matter what.
Here is my short list of things that make me feel better when things feel a little out of control and I need something to ground myself. I've shared many of these things during client sessions, when it seemed applicable, and my clients have gotten some relief from them. Perhaps you will too. Here goes:
Honoring our bodies - The more often we tune-in to ask our bodies what they need, the better they are likely to function physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Be mindful - The more we live in the moment and stop lamenting over what was (specifically about our weight, size, foods we ate and/or didn't eat), the less stress and regret we'll experience in our lives now.
Compassion - The more self-compassionate we are to ourselves, the more likely we are to adopt healthier behaviors.
Permission - The more permission we give ourselves to be who we are (at any shape or weight), eat what we truly desire to eat, wear what we like wherever we like, and share time on Earth with people we love, the more fulfilling our lives will be.
Movement - The more we move our bodies in ways that feel good instead of for reasons that may just make us look "good", the more sustainable and joyful the movement will be.
Boundaries - The more healthy boundaries we establish, the more often our needs will be met, which usually translates to less overall frustration.
Comparison - The less we compare, the less we'll despair.
Purpose- The more we acknowledge that our presence on Earth is necessary and that we serve a higher purpose, even if we don't know what it is right now, the easier it will be to discover what our true purpose is.
Acceptance - The more we accept life on its terms and stop trying to change and/or manipulate the outcomes (including weight, size and shape) the more at peace we'll be.
Gratitude - The more grateful we are, the more things we'll notice we can be grateful to have.
I'm curious, what kinds of things help to ground you when you're feeling uncertain about your life?
How do life's uncertainties affect your relationship with food and body?
If you're tired of battling with your weight, fed up with the cycle of yo-yo dieting, and yearning to be free from your obsessive thinking about food and your body, schedule your complimentary Embrace Anti-Diet Living Connection Session.
We’ll get clear on where you are now, what you want instead, and what might be getting in the way of your success.
I’ll also share some powerful recommendations and resources to get you started on creating a peaceful relationship with your body and food.
What Is The Self-Love Diet and Why It's Harmful to Follow
I believe that nourishing and caring for our bodies, in whatever way we deem appropriate for ourselves, is an act of self-love. However, more often than not, when I hear people speaking of self-love as it relates to their relationships with food and body, it’s often in a restrictive, rigid, guilt-ridden, and judgmental manner.
For example, phrases like, "I love myself too much to eat _____ because it’s X (processed, fried, etc.) or has too many X (calories, sugars, etc.). While some may not eat _____ because it doesn’t make them feel well, most of the time it’s because they fear it will make them gain weight and/or get fat(ter). Or, because they believe they’re “addicted” to the food and won’t be able to stop eating it. And some won’t eat ________ because eating _______ isn’t “healthy”.
Others will say things like, "I don't emotionally eat anymore because I love myself too much for that.". And, when people do eat for emotional reasons (which the majority of us do from time-to-time) they usually feel ashamed and judge themselves harshly because they believe if they loved themselves enough, they wouldn’t need to use food as a “crutch” to cope with life’s ups and downs.
Before I discovered intuitive eating, I used to believe that relating to food this way was an act of self-love too. Now I see that I was just following a Self-Love Diet.
I feel it’s appropriate to call it a Self-Love Diet because a diet is when we are purposely trying to lose or control our weight by eating and/or exercising in a certain manner. This is done by physically restricting food or calories and/or by using exercise to compensate for additional calories eaten. When the rigid rules of diets become impossible to follow (which is inevitable), we’re left to feel guilty and shameful about our perceived dieting failures and about our food choices, lack of exercise, and “emotional” and/or binge eating, etc. Of course, research indicates that it’s the restrictive eating behaviors that are causing the majority of these eating difficulties in the first place, but most don’t realize this fact.
It’s not surprising that many people are on a Self-Love Diet because on the surface, it seems like a nice idea, right? After all, love is one of the strongest human emotions. So, if we could harness it for the purposes of having the body that we’ve always wanted, we should be able to love ourselves thin, maintain our weight throughout all the phases of our lives, and/or finally get our eating “under control”. In theory, it sounds like it would make sense, but the reality is that diets aren't successful long-term which is why over 85% of people who diet gain the weight back, plus more, within 3-5 years.
The truth is, in this case, self-love is being conflated with control. Self-love is supposed to make us feel good and uplift us. A Self-Love Diet is having the opposite effect because it’s nearly impossible to follow long-term, causes self-judgment, guilt, and shame. None of these emotions make us feel good about ourselves so how could that be self-love?
I don’t think self-love is a lost cause for caring for ourselves, but I would like to redefine self-love from a weight-neutral, anti-diet perspective.
Self-love is learning to listen to your body and honor it as often as possible.
Self-love is letting go of harmful beliefs that eating needs to look a certain way or it's wrong or harmful.
Self-love is trusting that your body will work its weight out on its own without trying to manipulate or control it.
Self-love is sometimes eating even when you're not hungry.
Self-love is moving your body in a way that brings you joy and isn't used to punish.
Self-love is knowing that we don't need anyone to define the parameters around what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat. ⠀⠀
Self-love is eating satisfying foods whenever you're able.
Self-love is sometimes eating for emotional eating reasons without feeling shameful.
Self-love is caring for your body in a way that is sustainable and defined on your own terms.
Self-love is acknowledging that you have individual and unique needs and you can decide how to best satisfy them.
Now that's the kind of self-love that will make us feel good about ourselves and take better care of ourselves. And, this redefined form of self-love is more sustainable and will likely result in a peaceful and flexible relationship with food.
If after you’ve read this message you realize that you are following a Self-Love Diet and want to change that, you can! Remember, it’s never too late to look at things from a fresh, new perspective. Now that you have this awareness, you can start moving toward a peaceful relationship with food by practicing intuitive eating!
I’d love to hear from you! Have you ever followed a Self-Love Diet?
If you're tired of battling with your weight, fed up with the cycle of yo-yo dieting, and yearning to be free from your obsessive thinking about food and your body, schedule your complimentary Embrace Anti-Diet Living Connection Session.
We’ll get clear on where you are now, what you want instead, and what might be getting in the way of your success.
I’ll also share some powerful recommendations and resources to get you started on creating a peaceful relationship with your body and food.